Emotional Intelligence

I guess people have been aware for a long time that there are different types of intelligence. Someone years ago coined the phrase ‘book smart’ to describe a person who excels in academics while, by implication, lacks a practical knowledge in everyday kind of stuff.

For my part, I have always wondered why so many really intelligent people struggle so much, both in areas of personal well being, and with a lack of healthy interactions with others.

A while back I came across an article in the May/June 08 issue of REV Magazine by Maurice Graham. In that article, he references some research done by Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer, who studied non-cognitive aspects of intelligence and who first coined the phrase ‘emotional intelligence’ in 1990.

Graham writes that, “Initially, they described emotional intelligence as ‘a form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions’”. He says also that they later revised their definition of emotional intelligence in this way: “Emotional intelligence involves the ability to perceive accurately, appraise, and express emotion; the ability to access and/or generate feelings when they facilitate thought; the ability to understand emotion and emotional knowledge; and the ability to regulate emotions to promote emotional and intellectual growth.”

I found this all very interesting, as I suspect you do as well, because it really explains a lot when you think of it. Our emotions are indication of what is really happening in our hearts after all, and so there is a strong, albeit mysterious, connection between our thoughts and our feelings. Of course, the pressing question in one’s mind when considering this line of thought quickly becomes, can this type of understanding be gained in the same way that you would gain more cognitive intelligence?

The author suggests it is very possible, though not easy. Many of these things are learned, or not learned, at a very early age. He writes, “The (person’s) family of origin provides the incubator for the development of relational skills, which powerfully effect the (person’s) ability to engage in healthy relationships at home and in (community).”

When I read that, I was caused to think of my own parents who modeled incredible relational skills of listening and empathy and the like. I am completely certain that I owe a great debt to them for any success I have had in either my marriage, my family or my work as a pastor/leader. At the same time, my heart goes out to those who weren’t so fortunate. But, I think we need to take heart in the author’s lifeline of hope when he suggests that developing such intelligence as adults, though difficult, is possible.

What are we talking about? Daniel Goleman says that “The key components of ‘emotional intelligence’ include: personal competencies (self awareness and self-management) and social competencies (social awareness and relationship management).”

Again, very interesting stuff. But how would you learn these kinds of things? Forgive me but I have to ask: Is there a book out there that teaches us how to be self-aware, a book that helps us explore our inner selves and enables us to search our own hearts? Is there a book that teaches us personal life management? Is there a book that we can trust that teaches us how to really get along with others? I mean a practical book that we can really trust to be right on the mark and completely true?

In fact there is! Now, I’m not suggesting that a person can learn these things simply by reading or studying a book, but here is the thing - When we honestly and prayerfully allow the truths of God’s Word (that would be the Bible!) to search our hearts, and when we then prayerfully put into practice the truths therein, we are effectively training ourselves to relate to others according to God’s wisdom (‘applied or practical knowledge’) and ways. The Bible is, after all, intended by God for us to be a book on relationships, both our primary relationship with God Himself, and then along with that our relationships with one another.

It’s all about allowing God to speak truth into our personal lives; into our souls, and then applying that truth as He guides us by His Spirit to make the changes that need to be made through life experiences over and over until we know it full well, not just in theory but in practice; not just in concept but in the experience of reality.